Demanding Joy

Put it down already!

When I first started my job nine years ago, I was itching to take the world by storm and make a name for myself.  I volunteered for every extra project I could get my hands on.  I attended every stinkin’ company bowling outing, every boring training opportunity, every torturous cocktail reception.  I was a little ball of ambition and I worked every weekend to prove myself.

After two years of this, I started to get tired.  I wanted to reclaim my free time and after mulling it over for a ridiculously long time, I decided that I was going to stop working weekends.  I thought that if they didn’t know what I could do by now, they never would.  So I was taking a stand!  I was claiming my right to work-life balance!  So there!

That weekend, I defiantly stayed home.  I walked into the office on Monday morning (early) expecting some sort of reaction to my Sunday absence.

No one noticed.

The work was still there waiting for me.  No comments from anyone.  No repercussions whatsoever.  I felt like an idiot.  No one had ever asked me to put in extra hours.  The pressure I felt to go above and beyond was in my own head.

Lesson learned.  Or so I thought.

Fast forward eight years.  Still working but now I had two small children.  I have never worked so hard in my life.  I left the office promptly at five because my other full-time job was waiting for me at home.  I was exhausted and overwhelmed and completely at the end of my rope.

So I said to my husband, “I need you to pick up the kids tomorrow and give them dinner.  I have a massage appointment.”  I was ready for his objections.  I was all prepared to be angry about the imbalance of work in our relationship and the injustice of my life.  I was going to stand up to him and demand some time for myself.  I was caught completely off guard when he said pleasantly, “I’m happy to.  Enjoy your massage.”

Sigh.  Once again I had taken a big stand and set some personal boundaries and no one noticed.  The burden I carried was once again mostly self-inflicted.  After feeling ridiculous for awhile, I decided to knock it off.  I looked for more ways to treat myself, to delegate to others, and to simply cut myself some slack.  I learned (the hard way of course) to nurture myself.

That was several months ago and I’m still learning how to take better care of me.  I still work my ass off, but it’s easier to do when I’m not carrying resentment about it all day.  I can’t honestly say that I am my own top priority, but I at least make the top five.  Sure enough, the higher priority I make myself (something I’m still not entirely comfortable with), the happier we all seem to be.  I still often feel the weight of the world, but little by little, I’m learning to set it down.