The past six months have been quite a whirlwind at my house. J left his very secure position in academia for an exciting and challenging role in corporate America. This new job has him on the road about half the time, so the whole family is settling into a new equilibrium – which is going surprisingly well.
G finished 2nd grade and started summer camp without incident. He really likes it and is excited about starting a new school in the fall.
And Pinky too is doing great. She turns three in a few weeks and has declared herself to be a “super hero princess”. She runs around the house in a red cape yelling, “I saving the day!”
They’re all doing great. I take great pride in the fact that their worlds are safe and happy. I’ve managed all our life transitions, plus a crazy little league schedule, plus lots of community and non-profit work, plus my own ever-changing (in a good way) job, plus a million other things.
All is well. Except…I can’t sleep. Except, my confidence is at a low and my weight is at a high. I have nebulous anxiety and I haven’t been taking care of myself at all. I feel exhausted, discouraged, over-committed and depleted.
Sigh. How is it I always find myself back here? If it feels so good to take excellent care of myself, why do I stop doing it so readily and have to start over so often? In the car this morning, the image of The Giving Tree came to mind. As you recall, the big, beautiful tree gave and gave and gave of itself until there was nothing left but a stump. It’s a good analogy. I feel like a stump of my former vibrant self.
But why? My family doesn’t ask for sacrifice – in fact they are extremely supportive of chasing my own joy. I don’t feel depressed and things are going so well. So what exactly is my problem? Is there a martyr somewhere in my subconscious? Do I create struggle when there doesn’t need to be any? Am I simply bug shit crazy? (Please accept these as rhetorical questions. I don’t know that I need honest feedback about my mental health today. Thank you.)
Doesn’t really matter I suppose. I have everyone else well-situated and it’s time to turn my energies back to nurturing myself. Today, I will go back to my own list. I’m taking a deep breath and beginning again.