Willis and I have been married for 15 years. Better and worse, sickness and health, richer and poorer – we’ve lived through it all. I don’t think that either one of us are particularly easy to live with, but we’ve smoothed out the bumps over the years and settled into a comfy equilibrium. He could probably write a dissertation on how to stay married from a man’s perspective, but as a wife, here’s what I’ve learned over the past decade and a half about keeping a husband.
- Good food and good sex. It’s a cliché, but if their stomachs and libidos are happy, you’re off to an excellent start.
- Men need to be needed. This took me a long time to learn. I was raised to believe that I can do for myself. I don’t need anyone to take care of me. And I don’t. But once I learned to let him be my knight in shining armor, life improved for both of us.
- Physical contact. I read a study once (and I kick myself for not keeping track of the citation) that found a strong correlation between healthy, long-lasting marriages and the number of non-sexual touches in a day. Little things like putting your hand on his knee when he’s driving or when he walks behind you through a doorway and touches the small of your back. In this study, sex didn’t count because technically, you can have sex with someone you don’t even like. But physical affection was shown to strengthen the bond between partners.
- Treat him as you want to be treated. All of the things that women want, men want too. Hold your tongue if you have something unkind to say. Be courteous. Listen when he speaks. Treat him as your equal.
- Have high expectations of each other. Anyone who wants to be treated as an equal needs to step up and be an equal. Therefore, nobody gets a free pass based on their gender. This includes everything from not dating outside the marriage to pitching in with the dishes. Being a man is an excuse for nothing. Men and women are equally capable of good behavior.
- Be free and easy with the compliments. Another thing that my husband does better than I do. But men need to hear that they look good just as much as women. Tell him you love him often and tell him why often. My rule of thumb is every time I think something nice about him, I make a point of saying it out loud.
- Trust, honesty and respect. There is no relationship without these things. Like I tell my 5-year-old, if you have to be sneaky, it means that you’re doing the wrong thing.
- Work it out. Your marriage can’t last forever unless you truly believe that it will. Willis and I agreed early on to not even think about divorce, let along suggest it unless something truly cataclysmic happens, like infidelity, violence, substance abuse, criminal activity, etc. (I’m happy to say that we struggle with none of these things). Aside from these deal breakers, hang on tight and get through the hard times.
- Make him your priority. My marriage is the foundation for my life and for my children’s lives. So even though it would be very easy to lose each other in the shuffle of our lives, it benefits everyone to put our relationship first.
- Have fun! Laughter is important. If you enjoy each others company, you’re more motivated to keep the spark alive.
What else? What other tips do you have for keeping your relationships healthy?
3. causation doesn’t imply correlation.
No, correlation doesn’t imply causation. There is a correlation.
Excellent post
I read it with my partner (during work, as we work together) and we both agree that they’re excellent guidelines for a healthy, happy, long-lasting relationship. I also thing the priority is very good.
Excellent
Thanks,
Peter
Thanks Peter!
Great post!
to add to #8: Don’t go to bed angry. You will fight, that is part of any relationship, but don’t take it to bed with you. If you do, you (or at least women will) simmer about it all night and the problem will be 10 times worse in the morning. Even if it comes to ‘we disagree and will talk about it tomorrow’, it will calm both partners down and make everyone ready to talk calmly about it in the morning.
Have a wonderful day.
Thanks Lilly! That’s a good one. I do tend to simmer.
Great advice
God bless you
Thank you Mehr!
no deal breakers. Greta and I are married for life. (that was a period)
Infidelity is complicated but should be dealt with (if it ever happens) on a case by case basis.
Violence. This would probably be a deal breaker, but even so, LISTING it as a deal breaker is not needed, because of the fact that many people live with violence. Stating that you consider it a deal breaker makes those who feel trapped like they are losers because they can’t get out. Sometimes there are circumstances that present themselves that are rotten, yet we live with them for bigger reasons.
Substance abuse. God help you if your spouse succumbs to a substance. No reason to abandon them, however. These perils can be overcome, and the biggest motivator is someone in your corner.
Crime. We all commit crimes. Some bigger, some smaller, it depends on how much power you have.
Millionaires, Heads of State, Rock Stars…can get away with
larceny, tax evasion and money laundering are typical. As are hiring illegals.
Common folk speed, drink and drive and run stop lights.
The poor steal, but at least it’s usually to survive, not just to make it to gymnastics practice on time.
If your spouse is in a position of power, prepare for some “bending” of the rules.
This is a decision to be made BEFORE the marriage, agreed. But to say you will leave your husband because he fishes knowingly without a valid permit is folly, IMO.
My overall point is to disagree, respectfully, with the deal breaker statement. Marry your husband and stand by his side. (period)
Point taken Alan and thanks for your input. I do stand by the message though that if you are being victimized, I urge you to get out.
And if I ever catch Willis fishing without a license, I’m taking the house and the kids.
meg,
“fishing without a license” I LOVE IT!!
and I am on the very same page with you! (Cept I think I might take his bait before I go!)
I would tend to agree that alot of these things can be worked through, but I think what Meg was saying was that the deal isn’t the relationship it self, but the agreement to not think about divorce as an option.
I did not think that she was trying to imply that any of those things would make her throw up her hands, say “I’m outta here.” and take the kids and the car, but rather that those things would be breaking points where her relationship would have to be called into question, that is, “Am I able to deal with this and still love him, am I strong enough to make this work, is he strong enough to change what needs to be changed, do I need to get a divorce, is a divorce the safest approach for everyone?”
and I think when she said crime, she was thinking something more along the lines of bank robbery, murder, grand theft auto, or arson.
Have you ever lived through any of these? Maybe you have, maybe you haven’t. I have. I married for life. I said, divorce is not an option, I said, even things like infidelity can be worked through.
Well, after living 6 years with an emotionally and verbally abusive man, who is an alcoholic not willing to even attempt to change, even with me “in his corner”, and seeing the effects this has started to take on our 2 sons, I am out. The marriage is done. Rather naive to say that these things don’t have to be deal breakers. Rather than the original post making those who are trapped feel like losers, I found your remarks to make me (someone who got out) feel like a failure, a “bad” wife, and question whether I made the right choice.
Please refrain from commenting on abusive relationships unless you have lived through it.
You are most certainly not a loser. Your husband was not worth keeping. I applaud you for getting out and demanding a better life for yourself.
Wow, I totally disagree with this. There’s a huge chasm between finding out your husband fishes without a license, and finding out that he’s a serial rapist-murderer. Whether a celebrity could avoid being convicted for similar crimes is totally irrelevant and just reads as a bad excuse. Serial and unrepentant cheating is a sign that your spouse is unwilling to do their bare minimum of “relationship work”, and it takes two to make a marriage. And the longer you stay with an abuser, the harder it gets to leave and the more they’ll break you down. What is the purpose of destroying yourself to stay in a truly sick relationship? Pride? There is a large middle ground between “love your abusive husband unconditionally” and “he started smoking, DTMFA”, and the former stance is just as rigid and unhelpful as the latter.
Err, I’m not the blog owner, this is just someone else with the same name. Didn’t realize I was identity-sniping, sorry.
I like #1 best!
Laughter! Yes! I wonder, Meg, what does your husband think of your blog and the time you put into it? How have you managed to renegotiate a happy balance with “blogging” on your daily to-do list?
It’s definitely crammed into the nooks and crannies of my day. There are a bunch of things I would like to do with this site that I just haven’t had time for. Willis is supportive – it’s more the other demands on my time that are restricting, which is frustrating.
Great post. I am not yet married, but we are thinking about “taking the plunge” and these are great guidelines for once we do. Thanks
Thanks Amanda – good luck!!
It’s great to see there’s a couple that won’t get divorced. Unless something really bad happens. Truly inspiring.
We’ve been married twenty years this year.
Not a single one of your points occurs in our house!
1. My wife has no interest in sex and has made it a thoroughly miserable affair.
She ignores me when I’m ill or have migraine (if I go to lie down she shuts the bedroom door which makes me feel isolated). It would never occur to her to comfort me.
2. She needed me as a taxi for the first ten years, until she passed her driving test. She made herself pregnant and we have two adorable boys who I father to the best of my ability. Her calendar is filled with helping them at violin clubs and playing her ‘cello everywhere. We’ve been out (to the cinema etc.) together no more than five times. She lives like a single mother, with an adult child in the house too.
3. Since having the children, she hasn’t ever touched me with any more affection than a mother would a child. But I am not a child, I’m a tall handsome, competent man: a graduate, gave up gymnastics aged 41, ride powerful motorbikes, excelled at rock-climbing and surfing; I taught martial arts at international level – none of that has the attractive properties that the media imply. A simple touch, a caress (beyond what a mother would do) would be nice.
4. About two years ago, I figured this out for myself: perhaps my wife ignores me because she wants to be ignored. So I’ve been ignoring her as far as is polite for two years. A year ago I was made redundant and have been in the house with her for quite a few days (she works part time) and she never once has wanted time alone with me – it’s like being at work with a colleague.
You get the picture (I won’t go through all that you wrote)!
We’re still together. We share the house with a draw full of self-help books that changed nothing.
Clearly there are other ways to keep a husband.
I suspect part of it has to do with the fact that neither of us has and family who have ever divorced. When we meet those who have divorced it seems a truly traumatic experience. In other words, we simply wouldn’t know how to do it, or want to put the other person through any trauma.
There is being happy, and ‘not being unhappy’ – life is long and the boundary moves so slowly that the change is not always perceptible.
I think your article is excellent, but should be “Ten Ways to Keep a Husband Happy”.
I console myself that my cage could be more tangible…
Wow, Ross. It sounds like both of you are in pain. I hope that something shifts so you can connect with each other. It’s awful being lonely when someone else is right there…
Thanks; it is curious to me just how stable the relationships is: shifts just don’t seem to happen – even with assistance!
Wow Ross your post brings to mind a quote my great-uncle once shared with me “most men live lives of quiet desperation.”
I feel terrible for you. But please, please don’t ignore her. It will only make things worse (althought I’m sure it hurts deeply to be ignored youself).
There are two great books out there that compile lists simialir to this one over what men and women need to be happy in a relationship. One is “Affair-proof your marriage” and the other is the quick, storybook version of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.”
Maybe I’m just odd, but I honestly prefer it when my partner is more independent. I know that even when someone is able to move forward on their own that someone to walk beside them and encourage them makes a huge difference. Of course another thing that may be affecting that is that my partner has been abused in her lifetime, and I really want to make sure that she is learning how to stand up for herself. The best way I know to protect someone is to help them learn how and when to protect themselves.
It sounds like you are really tuned in to your partner. She is lucky to have you.
Great post Meg and a salute to those who commented and expanded the topic!
WE are in our 40th year of marriage and it is my refuge and best playing/learning field! Everyday we choose to love and if necessary, we choose to begin again!
Thanks Meg for speaking on behalf of marriage and reality!
Thank you Loyie. You never fail to make me smile.
This is inspiring Loyie! Thank you!
This is wonderful — If I am lucky to find that special person in my life I will follow your guidelines!!!!
Thanks Linda. He’s the one who will be lucky.
I loved reading such a good article. Such entertaining writing is rare these days. Informed comment like this has to be lauded. I’ll certainly be looking in on this blog again soon!
What a great article. You sound like an amazing wife and your husband is a very lucky man!
The world distorts our view of what marriage could and should be, its so refreshing to see someone who knows that it takes a lot of effort!
And this is coming from an unmarried 23 year old!
Open, honest, full communication of desires, wants and needs. If your needs aren’t being met, talk to him. With words.
You’re right Darrin – women who keep men guessing by playing games are asking for trouble.
I know, any things keep woman and man together:
- always speak together, never end this
- have a fair and open discussion about all problems, what
you wish and what you need with your partner (also sex)
- listen to all problems of your partner
- do a lot of things together, but also seperate (50:50)
- use hobbys, holiday and so on together
- accept the friends of your partner and give him/her
freedom
- be not angry/painful about looking at other men, women,
because you are the best!
- you must love you, then you can love your partner
- you must believe and know, that you are a great woman/man
- do not forget the little things every day, which says
thank you
- give him/her flowers, little gifts, hugs and kisses
- it is not nessesery to say “I love you” 1-10 times
every day, but tell him/her perhaps 2-3 time at month
- give the partner the feeling, that you love him/her
(this is more important – doing better then only saying)
- keep your own sexy and nice for your partner
- and not at least: you should like this! If all these
things are a hard work for you, then better leave your
partner. How love the other, love to do all things for
him/her and for himself/herself.
I hope you can understand, what I mean because my English is not perfect.
Thank you for your beautiful article.
Much love and hapiness for all couples and the best wishes for future
from
Heike Stopp
Wonderful Heike!
This was a great article. Do you have a “10 Ways to Keep Your Wife” for the guys, too?
Hi David! Point taken, but I don’t know how to keep a wife. – Meg
Great post and Lily’s addition is good, wife and I both agree that this list covers much of what we already do. We met online and celebrated our twelfth wedding anniversary this year.
That’s wonderful – congratulations!
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[...] Re: Top 10 Things Men Want Here is a top 10 from the perspective of what I take to be a most excellent, and very wise wife: Ten Ways To Keep A Husband [...]
Good article, except my fiance has a very low libido.. so that first statement applies to me, not him haha.
I absolutely love this article. I think it is very true and is the definite recipe for a successful marriage. It covers all the bases and is respectful advice for both partners.
Thanks Miss!
I’m rather disappointed by the “men need to be needed” and letting someone be your knight in shining armor. Why in the *world* would I want to marry or stay married to someone who thinks that I need rescuing? How in the world could I maintain my self-esteem if I believed and practiced that only one gender “needs to be needed???”
I never said it was only one gender – don’t you want to feel needed? Please believe that I am NOT a damsel in distress. But I want my husband to know that I need and appreciate him. I’m not sacrificing my own self-esteem by trying to nurture his.
I think you have to like your partner… You should be able to look at your mate and think I really like this person.. Not just love but like.
That’s a great point Lucie. When I say “keep a husband”, it’s assuming that he’s a keeper.
I enjoyed this article.
I attempted these things as I have seen them elsewhere before.
But my husband of 10 years divorced me last year, based on his infidelity, his hate of me for having children he never wanted, and so on and so forth…
Hard to read, but so true, at times I wish I would have made him happier or listened more, maybe that would have prevented it?
But I do enjoy your articles, keep posting…
Hi Krisi Jo –
It sounds like you’ve been through a really tough time – I’m so sorry. I want to be clear. Marriage is a two-way street. I write from my own point of view as a wife. My thoughts on how to be a good wife in no way excuses a husband for scummy behavior. I don’t know the dynamics of your marriage, but he chose to be unfaithful and he chose to leave his wife and children. Just like you are responsible for being whatever kind of wife you are, he is responsible for being a crap husband, not you.
I wish you every happiness and I hope that you meet a man who is worthy of you.
The stepping up and being equal speaks directly to me. In fact, my husband has said these words to me. I’m a stay at home, for now, with our young boys. I tend to hide behind that, letting him take control of a lot of things, money, etc. I’m not a weakling but I lack in this area, for sure. Great post . . . I’ll be working on that. I have a great husband, I’d prefer to keep him. =0) 9 years next week, we’re just babes in the marriage department.
Great list! Thanks for coming up with it.
when addiction comes into a marriage it is like a mistress. wanton and careless of who gets hurt; caring only that she is sated. we have been together 27 years. very very young, I did not know love should not hurt and addiction doesnt always get healed. but the truth is love is so deeply etched on my heart that I cant let go. sure, it may have been carved with a knife, but it is there. we have lived life together as one for so long. nothing will bring me comfort like his arms. it was not all bad. joy and children, hopes and dreams still bring a smile. I am not faultless although I did everything in my power to be a good wife. right now it is not enough and I dont know where we will go from here.
It sounds like you’ve really been through a tough time Lucy. My heart goes out to you.
thank you, Meg, for your words on this blog. words have such great power and you are wielding them well.
i need some advice….me and my husband have been married for 2 1/2 yrs…he has two young boys 4 &6 and i hve 2 boys 9&20….we are both first time step parents…..when we met we knew right away tht we were each others soul mates….we were so happy and so in love that noone cld come between us…..we got married 5 1/2 months after we met….then the problems arose….the exwife is still involved with his family and is always wth my mother in law and sister in law…..i cant stand this and it makes me feel like she had her turn and now its mine. he has talkd to his mom and sis but they dont stop…i knw its there grandkids but i think she goes to far and does this on purpose to keep me out of the family… ive dealt with this bcuz i love him and us tht much..but it has made us somewhat distant bcuz of how it makes me feel…i work in a bar as a bartender…..and was when we met….but he hates that i do….the money is awesome and im home at night wth my kids as i work during the day…i need to work there as he doesnt bring home enough money due to outragoues child support tht he agreed to pay before we met so i hve to cover most of our bills and expenses….he just told me a month ago he was unhappy and wants a divorce and when i askd why he just says he is unhappy ….i asked him why and how can we fix whatever it is and he says we cant ..then i asked about counseling and he sd no he has done tht before and it doesnt work….i have poored my heart out to him on several occasions by letters….and it doesnt help….i do not want this divorce as i love him and i knw he is my soulmate….but i dont know what else to do….and i still see the look n his eyes when he looks at me and he still wears his wedding ring….what do i do meg….sorry so long…..i need help bad!!!
Oh honey, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling.
Every year on our anniversary, I used to ask my husband, “So, you in for another year?” I was sort of joking, but I wanted him to know that he was free to go if he thought he could be happier elsewhere. After 14 years of marriage and our 2nd child, I stopped asking. I figured he had had enough grace period.
I hear that you love him very much, but I also hear that he doesn’t approve of your job, despite the fact that you’re the primary breadwinner, he won’t defend you to his wicked mother and sister, and he has asked you for a divorce. With all due respect, he may be a good guy, but Prince Charming he is not.
You deserve to be cherished, respected, supported, protected, nurtured & adored. I don’t believe you can expect that from anyone else until you have it within yourself. If your husband isn’t willing to go to therapy, I highly recommend it for your own well-being. I urge you to love yourself, to build your confidence, and to demand your best life.
I hope my thoughts are helpful in some way. I wish you only the best. Big hug ~Meg
hi miss wife in pain.I just want to know how was it now?its been almost 6 months since you post this. I felt the pain your going through and I’m hoping things got better right now. hope to hear from you.
God bless you.
The content is great. You will probably kill me for saying this, but I’m a teacher and would you please go back and put the possessive on the end of each others’ lives?
Would be interesting to see how these are met when the kids are little versus when the kids are older. Our kids are 5, 3, and two 1.5 year old twins… so all VERY young and very close in age. We also both work full-time so our lives are crazy now. We are both very isolated and cannot come together on a common vision of our future. We are ready to give up on each other. Our trust and respect with each other is tarnished. I’m wondering if this is worth struggling through or do we cut the cord? I’ve been clinically depressed over this situation for over a year…. Feeling like my husband takes advantage of the work I do for the economics of the family – and he is unwilling to consider moving to affordable cities because he would miss his friends. UGGGH!! But then I am forced to work the way I do!!!! Ugggh! I need to go and take an anxiety pill now.
well narrated. very educative and useful to married couple.
Wow – this is the first thing I’ve ever read that doesn’t focus on how the man can make the relationship work to fit the women’s needs. I realize that a man must work toward a successful partnership too, but I’m just jaded with the amount of material that abounds regarding the “things a man must do to have a successful marriage” vs how little similar advice exists for females. It really is a non-level playing field in that regard. This blog was truly refreshing. I mean it.
Great article. Thanks for sharing!…
[...]Ten Ways to Keep a Husband « Demanding Joy[...]…
hi.thanks for the tips, hope it’ll work for me too. well, my common law husband and me are on our fifth year yet it doesn’t seem to be like before sad to say.
But I’m hoping for this to work out with me.
Great work – thank you! And by the way: Yes, physical contact is very important for keeping a husband
i just want to share my experience and testimony here.. i was married for 6 years to my husband and suddenly, another woman came into the picture.. he started hating me and he was so abusive..but i still loved him with all my heart and wanted him at all cost…then he filed for divorce..my whole life was turning apart and i didn’t know what to do..he moved out of the house and abandoned the kids.. so a friend told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster.so i decided to try it reluctantly..although i didn’t believe in all those things.then he did the special spell casting for me. After 2 days, my husband came back and was pleading..he had realized his mistakes..i just couldn’t believe it.. anyways we are back together now and we are happy..in case you wanna contact this wonderful spell caster, his email address is ishvaratemple@yahoo.com