Hi everyone! -
Just wanted to let you know that you no longer need to register and get a password to leave comments on Demanding Joy. Commenting is moderated (first comment only), but open to everyone. So, please share your thoughts, your joy, your wisdom, and yes, even your criticism.
Have a joyful day! -
Meg
(Special thanks to Melissa for always keeping on track!)
“I simply remember my favorite things and then I don’t feel so bad!” OK, so now you have The Sound of Music stuck in your head. Sorry about that.
For no particular reason, I’ve been pondering the small, seemingly insignificant things that brighten my day. Things like mocha lattes and colored sharpie markers. I enjoy things that sparkle and secretly watching Hoarders on A&E. I smile about how G mispronounces his r’s. I pause to enjoy the feeling of my green fuzzy bathrobe. I find joy in talking to my sister on the phone when I should be working. I like the satisfaction of making an orderly list on a yellow legal pad. I like french fries and honeysuckle scented lotion. A George Clooney movie. The sound of the wind through the trees.
What are the little bits of joy in your day?
Here’s something about marriage and motherhood that no one ever told me. The senior ranking woman in the house is not allowed to not know anything. Regardless of the topic, my family simply can’t believe that I don’t know the answer to their questions. Here’s an actual conversation in my kitchen:
G: Mommy, when is Sam’s birthday?
Meg: I don’t know sweetie.
G: But when is it?
Meg: I don’t know babe.
G: Mommy! What’s the answer?!
The third ‘I don’t know’ caused him to sigh and look at me as if to say, “Idiot woman!” before walking exasperatedly out of the room.
It’s the same with Willis. He’ll ask me why the baby is crying in the other room or which way to turn in a city where I’ve never been. ‘I don’t know’ just annoys him. But here’s the thing – I DON’T KNOW.
I suppose it’s a compliment that they assume that I am all-knowing but the rub is that means I’m also responsible for everything. I’m actively trying to reduce the number of things I’m responsible for. They’re really not going to like the answer, “I don’t know and I don’t want to know.” Sorry guys.
Unlike Thanksgiving, which I enjoy very much, I hate Christmas. I mean really HA-A-ATE it. Here’s why. Christmas is too cold, too expensive, too materialistic, too tacky, too jam-packed with relatives and their drama, and WAY too much work. Most people are shocked when I say this, but every so often, I’ll find someone who says, “Ugh, me too.” And so, I add them to my secret club of Christmas-haters.
When I was a kid, my dad would tease us every year by saying, “No, no! Call Santa and tell him to cancel Christmas this year!” We would go along and playfully beg him not to call off the holiday. Today, I would say, “Cool. Thanks!”
I live in the Midwest, so shopping, which I don’t like in general, has to be done in sub-zero weather. When I’ve hosted the family holiday dinner (which I happily volunteer for), I planned, cleaned, shopped and cooked for three straight days. By the time I actually serve it, I have no interest in eating it.
The year that G was 3, I was so proud of him. He would open a present and then he had no interest in opening any more because he only wanted to play with the new thing he had just gotten. He was content with what he had. Well, thanks to TV commercials, indulgent grandparents and friends whose parents make lots more money than we do, that sweet innocence is no more. Now, he rips open a gift, looks at it only long enough to identify it and then he’s on to the next one. It makes me sad. Each year, I clean up the Christmas morning wreckage and start to plan a large toy purge and charity donation because we have way more than the kids can use and certainly more than I have room to store.
So, as I pull on my sexiest snow boots and head out to find a ten pound rib roast and a Death Star Lego set, I try to look at the bright side. I will admit there are some aspects of the holidays that I do enjoy – the way the snow sparkles at night, fires in the fireplace, hearing from far away friends, time off from the office, a much-needed visit from my sister, and oh so many cocktails.
If there are any fellow Ebenezers out there, there are a few books that I enjoy this time of year: “The Stupidest Angel: A Heart Warming Tale of Christmas Terror” by Christopher Moore and my favorite, “The Twelve Terrors of Christmas” by John Updike and illustrated by Edward Gorey. It only takes about 10 minutes to read and makes me smile every year.
Regardless of your feelings on this matter, I wish you the happiest of holidays.
- Meg
As you may know, today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. It is a turning point. A time for looking forward. A time for optimism and hope. From here on out, the light grows stronger and brighter and the darkness recedes. The possibilities are endless.
Wishing you a blessed Solstice! -
Meg
Willis & I snuck out for dinner last weekend. As our appetizer was delivered, a bride and groom and their large wedding party crowded into the bar and began doing shots. As I watched the bride in her elegant gown get more and more hammered (not pretty sweetheart), I wondered if she had any clue what she’s in for.
My wedding day was so beautiful. We had a morning wedding. The flowers, the dresses, the food – all perfect. I had just turned 22 and I was marrying the man of my dreams. We didn’t know shit from shampoo.
As I look back past nearly 15 years of marriage, there’s one pivotal moment that I would change about that day. I was standing at the front of the church in a fabulous gown, in front of everyone I had ever met. That’s the moment I was asked, “Do you take this man to be your husband for better or for worse?” It sounds like such a simple question, but actually, it’s a dirty trick. As a married woman, I can attest that this simple, seemingly innocuous question breezes over a LOT of territory.
Marriage is wonderful, but it’s also hard, which is why so many fail. So, in order to ensure that people really know what they’re getting themselves into, I propose that the vows be changed to something more like:
Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife through career successes and unemployment, through family celebrations and pregnancy hormones, through inside jokes and plumbing disasters?
I do.
Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband through financial stability and crushing student loan debt, through loving teamwork and oceans of baby vomit, through romantic travels and dog urinary tract infections?
I do.
Then you both have a realistic view of what your marriage may bring. I now pronounce you mature, committed, clear-eyed husband & wife.
Congratulations & Good Luck!
“My whole life is have to.” – Steve Martin, ‘Parenthood’
Moms, whether they work outside the home or not, have the perennial problem of not having time to themselves. I am no different. I wake up before the sun rises and run full speed through my day until I collapse into bed at night, only to repeat the whole procedure again the next day.
As I set my intention to slow down and squeeze every joyous moment from each day, I realize that my entire life has dwindled down to ‘should’ and ‘have to’. I used to have fun. How did this happen to me? I didn’t mean to become a drone. It just snuck up on me.
Admitting that you have a problem is the first step, right? Well, I do. There are many things that I really do have to do – cooking, diapers, homework supervision, laundry, earning an income. But surely, there are ‘have to’s that I can purge. I’ll ‘have to’ give that some thought. Perhaps there are things on my daily agenda that can be replaced with reading or writing or dancing or walking. I’m definitely going to work on that.
But ‘should’! We don’t need ‘should’! ‘Should’ is all those things that hang over our heads and make us feel inadequate. I should be on a diet. I should do a better job of limiting G’s candy intake. I should serve a vegetable at every meal. I should be more patient. And if I did all of those things, there would be another army of ‘shoulds’ coming right up behind them.
So I’m divorcing the word ‘should’. I can only do what I can do. And I commit to stop beating myself up for what I can’t do. Good enough will just have to be good enough.
That’s my rant for today. I think I should have a drink.
Focusing on the things that nourish me has meant purging things that don’t. As women, we tend to take on too much and then get overwhelmed. Turns out that not taking things on is quite liberating!
Next time you’re asked to bake something or volunteer for something or add to your already crazy schedule, think about how many different ways there are to say no! Here are just a few. Enjoy!
1. Thanks for thinking of me, but I’m going to pass.
2. I don’t enjoy that kind of thing.
3. I would love to help some time in the future.
4. I would rather work on a different task.
5. My calendar is completely full.
6. I need to leave some time for myself.
7. That’s not my area of expertise.
8. I don’t think I would be comfortable with that.
9. I have another commitment.
10. I’m in the middle of another project.
11. I don’t think I’m the right person for that job.
12. I need to focus on other things right now.
13. I’m needed at home these days.
14. I just have too much on my plate.
15. I wouldn’t be able to do it justice right now.
16. I don’t have the time to take that on.
17. I think you’ll do a great job with that yourself.
18. I can’t, but let me tell you who can.
19. I’m sorry, it’s impossible.
20. No.
Here are few things I found this week that I would like to share:
“Me Time” The Last Affordable Luxury
Looking For Beauty In All the Right Places
Secrets of Adulthood
Have a great weekend!
