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Saved By the Books

Monday, August 23rd, 2010

I claimed a bit of joy last week.  The past two weeks have been crazy.  In addition to our normal family scurrying, there was something going on every night – a meeting, or an appointment, or a lesson.  All I wanted to do was come home and have a quiet meal with Willis and the kids.  Maybe throw in a load of laundry.  But instead, I was grabbing a burger in the car on my way from one place to the next – again.  It was two straight weeks of go, go, go and I was worn out.

Towards the end of this hectic time, I was surprised to find an unclaimed hour in my day.  It would take me ½ hour to get to my meeting, but I didn’t need to be there for 90 minutes.  I drove towards my destination trying to remember what errands needed to be run and thinking about how I could squeeze some productivity out of this extra time.

Then I saw it.  Coming up on the right was a Barnes & Noble.  “Hey!  I can do something fun with this time!  Why didn’t I think of that?”  And that’s just what I did.  I spent a whole hour in a bookstore.  By myself!

I browsed through the books about architecture and design.  I scanned fiction that I haven’t read yet.  I lingered in the bargain books.  I love books and I love solitude.  I was in heaven.

I may have looked like a completely normal person to other shoppers, but in my head, I was screaming, “Whee!  I’m free!”  I looked at the kids in the children’s section.  “Do any of them need to pee?  I don’t care!  Wahoo!”  Perhaps I need to get out more.

Nonetheless, it was just the boost I needed.  We’re through the busy time on this month’s calendar, so I can get back to my time with Willis, Pinky & G.  I’m grateful for that and I’m extremely grateful for that gift of a free hour.

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Posted in Gratitude, Joy, Work | 2 Comments »

Thanks!

Monday, August 2nd, 2010

I’m always grateful for reader comments on this blog.  In fact, I’m grateful that anyone gives a flying fig what I have to say at all.  One comment recently really got me thinking.  Stefanie at What’s the Best that Can Happen (a great site – go check it out) commented, “I am finding that I need to reconnect with my friends even more now as the fog of those first few years with kids has lifted…”

This was an unexpected bit of validation for me.  I hadn’t recognized the diaper-induced fog that I’m muddling through.  And because I didn’t realize that I was in a tunnel, I also didn’t see the light at the end of it.  I feel so much better now!  Thanks Stefanie!

Other moms out there, did you withdraw from pieces of your life when your kids were little?  Did you come back?

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Posted in Gratitude, Kids, Wisdom, Women, Work | 5 Comments »

On Success

Friday, June 11th, 2010

Last year held many transitions for me.  For one, I stepped off of the career path I had spent ten years forging.  I gave up what I thought I wanted in exchange for flexibility and serenity.  After some reflection, I have redefined success.

Before
Money
More driven
External affirmation
Face time with executives
Guilt

After
Time
More smiling
Internal calm
Face time with people I actually like
Balance

I still work and earn a living.  It’s not nearly as high-pressure an environment.  I made some sacrifices, but I enjoy my days more.  It took me several months to come to terms with these changes and the sacrifices I made.  But I have no regrets – other than not doing it sooner.

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Posted in Work | 3 Comments »

Office vs. Cubicle

Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010

I’ve worked at the same company for 9 years and until recently, I’ve always had an office.  Late last year, I opted out of a joy-sucking job and stepped into a  lower on the org chart job in order to gain flexibility, sanity and a more pleasant environment.  At the time, I was more concerned with the money differential than the office, but it’s been interesting how my work space change has impacted my day-to-day life.

I should say that I’ve never been a fan of cubicles in general.  I don’t think it’s healthy to sit in a beige box all day.  Why do they always make them beige?!  But, I understand that they are practical.

The first hurdle was that I simply had to get my ego in check.  It’s not that I think I’m too good for a cubicle or anything, I had just gotten spoiled I suppose.

Next, since I no longer have windows, I found that I really miss having natural light.  I’ll have to find a full-spectrum lamp or something.

The prestige factor of the office versus the cubicle was not all in my head.  Having an office absolutely lends credibility.  I’m more conscious now of establishing my knowledge and authority where before I took it for granted.

Finally, I really miss having a door!  Not being able to have a private conversation is more of a pain in the neck than I anticipated!  If I want to call my pediatrician or have a quick chat with my husband, I have to sneak away and find an empty room.  My co-workers do not need to know when I’m due to have my teeth cleaned or even better, a pap smear.  I don’t appreciate that anyone can walk up behind me at any time.  It makes me feel like I have to be sneaky even when I’m not up to anything more interesting than spreadsheet analysis.

That’s enough whining for today.  I choose to focus on my gratitude for getting away from a terrible job situation and for the fact that I still have a job at all.  The silver lining to my cubicle move – excellent eavesdropping!

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Posted in Work | 1 Comment »

I’m Gonna Win!

Monday, May 24th, 2010

When G was 3 years old, we discovered his competitive streak and quickly learned to manipulate it.  I would tell him it was time to head upstairs for pajamas and he would reflexively start whining.  And begging.  And negotiating to stay up later.  He would do anything to avoid bed time.  Until I took one step towards the stairs and said, “I’m gonna win.”  Then whoosh!  He was a blur racing up the stairs.  He would rather stick needles in his eyes than go to bed, but he would much rather go to bed than lose a race.  It was a parenting novelty.  I was sure that he would wise up to me soon – I promise he is a brilliant child.  But I was wrong.  It’s three years later and it still works.

I also thought this compulsive competition was unique to my quirky little boy. Wrong again.  I work in a male-dominant environment.  I see people (sorry, but mostly men) let their competitiveness overcome their common sense on a fairly regular basis.  For example, a friend of mine is a smart, successful executive.  A job was offered to him in a new division.  He had no interest in it.  He didn’t want it.  He gave a long list of reasons why it wasn’t a good fit for him.  Until the hiring manager said, “Well, if you think you’re not up to the challenge, I suppose I can offer it to Joe.”  Sure enough, he accepted the job that day.  He would rather take a job he didn’t want than let poor, unsuspecting Joe win the race.

What is this phenomenon?  As a parent, should I be concerned?  Winning is certainly not a bad thing.  But doing it with disregard for your own best interest is.  Is G neurotic?  Or is he pre-disposed to have Senior Vice President behind his name?  Or are those the same thing?

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Posted in Kids, Work | 2 Comments »

What Are You Going To Do About It?

Monday, May 17th, 2010

I have instituted a new rule at work:  You can complain all you want, but you have to make a suggestion.  My job in a nutshell is to facilitate strategic planning and then coordinate tactical execution of the plan.  I was working with a team awhile back that was in a downward spiral.
“This is never gonna work.”
“Our boss has ridiculous expectations.”
“We don’t have enough information to be successful.”
“This sucks.”

To some extent, airing our grievances can bind us together as a team.  “I hate this.  Yeah, me too.” – There’s value in that.  But this had gone on too long and we were just plain wasting time.  So, with whiteboard markers in hand I said, “I hear your concerns and you have really valid points.  I can’t disagree with anything that you’ve said.  But what are we going to do about it?”  Blink….blink…I made another pass at it.  “We’re not happy with the current plan, but it is what it is, so what can we, in this room, right now, do to make it better?”  When someone finally spoke, it was another complaint.  “OK,” I said.  “What do you suggest?”  It was starting to get awkward and between you and me, I was starting to sweat.  But finally, someone came up with an idea.  I pounced on it.  I put their idea on the whiteboard and started asking questions about it.  After a while, the momentum shifted and we began putting together a list and a schedule and all the stuff that I’m good at.

On the drive home, I was reviewing the meeting in my mind and found that it was an interesting analogy for life.  What makes you unhappy?  What do you wish was different?  What are you going to do about it?

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Posted in Power, Work | 2 Comments »

Are We All Faking It?

Wednesday, April 21st, 2010

“If you hear a voice within you say, ‘You cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.”   – Vincent Van Gogh

“Our strengths are often composed of the weakness we’re damned if we’re going to show.”   – Mignon McLaughlin

Have you ever felt like a complete fraud?  Like you’re not really qualified to be doing whatever you’re doing and that soon someone is going to figure that out and have you ejected?  For many years in my career, I was the youngest person in the meeting and usually the only woman.  As a young professional with big ambitions and bigger self-doubts, I conducted myself as if I had confidence while completely freaking out on the inside.  Countless times I approached a presentation or a negotiation with dread that I would fail, but forced myself to move forward because I had worked too hard to run away.  I mastered the art of squashing my emotions and I firmly believed the motto, “Never let ‘em see you sweat.”

Healthy?  No.  But faking it worked.  I am a little older and at least a little wiser now.  I fear less and I want less.  I don’t care so much what others think any more.  My ambitions changed dramatically when I had children, but more so when I saw the ugly reality behind the upper echelons of corporate America.  I’ve been a manager, a mentor and a confidante and I’ve had brilliantly talented and extremely successful people confide in me that they’re intimidated and insecure.  They’re faking it too.

So what does it mean when the intimidating people are intimidated?  Is it possible to be truly confident and at ease and not be a delusional, pompous ass?  I happen to know that pompous asses are scared too.  Are we torturing ourselves unnecessarily?  Are we all faking it?

What do you think?

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Posted in Fear, Work | 4 Comments »

Playing Hooky

Friday, April 9th, 2010

Perhaps I should become a woman of leisure.

I called in sick to work yesterday.  My only symptoms were tiredness and crankiness, but I looked at my strangely empty calendar for the day and thought, “Fuck it.  I’m staying home.”  I threw on jeans and a hat and dropped off the kids early to avoid being spotted and having to explain myself.

When I got back to the house, I closed the door behind me and let the silence fill up my ears.  Imagine Maria dancing on the mountain in The Sound of Music.  This is precisely how I felt.  A whole day lay in front of me without obligations of any kind.  Being chore-free happens maybe once a year and the freedom makes me giddy.

How did I spend my special day?  First I went back to bed.  I read 50 pages of a novel (UNINTERRUPTED!!) and then slept 2½  hours.  Got up and had cheese and crackers and popsicles for lunch.  I sat on the couch to read the news online and watched a movie (UNINTERRUPTED!!).  At 3:00, I decided to brush my teeth and take a shower.

I feel rested and calm and decidedly un-cranky.

Maybe next time I play hooky, I’ll get a massage and invite someone to lunch and take a walk in the woods, but I am filled with gratitude for my day of simple solitude taking care of me.  Yay!

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Posted in Rest, Stress, Work | 3 Comments »

Giving Myself a Break

Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

Put it down already!

When I first started my job nine years ago, I was itching to take the world by storm and make a name for myself.  I volunteered for every extra project I could get my hands on.  I attended every stinkin’ company bowling outing, every boring training opportunity, every torturous cocktail reception.  I was a little ball of ambition and I worked every weekend to prove myself.

After two years of this, I started to get tired.  I wanted to reclaim my free time and after mulling it over for a ridiculously long time, I decided that I was going to stop working weekends.  I thought that if they didn’t know what I could do by now, they never would.  So I was taking a stand!  I was claiming my right to work-life balance!  So there!

That weekend, I defiantly stayed home.  I walked into the office on Monday morning (early) expecting some sort of reaction to my Sunday absence.

No one noticed.

The work was still there waiting for me.  No comments from anyone.  No repercussions whatsoever.  I felt like an idiot.  No one had ever asked me to put in extra hours.  The pressure I felt to go above and beyond was in my own head.

Lesson learned.  Or so I thought.

Fast forward eight years.  Still working but now I had two small children.  I have never worked so hard in my life.  I left the office promptly at five because my other full-time job was waiting for me at home.  I was exhausted and overwhelmed and completely at the end of my rope.

So I said to my husband, “I need you to pick up the kids tomorrow and give them dinner.  I have a massage appointment.”  I was ready for his objections.  I was all prepared to be angry about the imbalance of work in our relationship and the injustice of my life.  I was going to stand up to him and demand some time for myself.  I was caught completely off guard when he said pleasantly, “I’m happy to.  Enjoy your massage.”

Sigh.  Once again I had taken a big stand and set some personal boundaries and no one noticed.  The burden I carried was once again mostly self-inflicted.  After feeling ridiculous for awhile, I decided to knock it off.  I looked for more ways to treat myself, to delegate to others, and to simply cut myself some slack.  I learned (the hard way of course) to nurture myself.

That was several months ago and I’m still learning how to take better care of me.  I still work my ass off, but it’s easier to do when I’m not carrying resentment about it all day.  I can’t honestly say that I am my own top priority, but I at least make the top five.  Sure enough, the higher priority I make myself (something I’m still not entirely comfortable with), the happier we all seem to be.  I still often feel the weight of the world, but little by little, I’m learning to set it down.

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Posted in Stress, Work | 3 Comments »

Woman’s Work

Wednesday, March 24th, 2010

“A woman’s place is in the house…and the senate.”

I was folding laundry this weekend and fantasizing about quitting my job.  Not for a better opportunity, but leaving the work force altogether.  In my fantasy world, Willis and I have more than enough income from other sources to maintain our life and I am able to stay home to read and blog and volunteer and have two martini lunches with friends.

But then I looked down at the mountain of clean wash I was working on and thought to myself, “I work a hell of a lot harder at home than I do at work.  Perhaps I should stay where I at least get paid.”

It’s peculiar to me that the work I value the least pays the most and what’s really important pays nothing.  Of course, I understand economics enough to know that no one is going to pay me to fold my own laundry, but sill, the repetitive drudgery of making beds, cooking meals and changing diapers is truly the foundation for healthy families and therefore a strong society, no?  It’s work that never stays done.  People keep eating the cooked food, wearing the clean clothes, and sleeping in the made beds.  It all needs to be repeated daily in perpetuity.  Perhaps that’s why it goes unnoticed and unvalued.  But then again, if all of the work stopped getting done, it would become a crisis faster than a garbage strike.

That led me to fantasize about what would happen if all women went on strike from any and all domestic work.  It would be a fun couple of days.  But in the end, the mess would get bad enough that we couldn’t stand to look at it any more and the entire uprising would be for naught.

Perhaps I should turn on the TV when I fold laundry.

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Posted in Women, Work | 2 Comments »

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